For those unfamiliar with this dance form also referred to as “freaking”, a boy places his crotch up against the girl’s behind and they gyrate together. Sometimes they reposition crotch to crotch, sometimes a girl is sandwiched between two boys, and sometimes it is vice versa.

In my opinion, this is no longer dancing, especially for middle and high school teens at a conference or school event. In fact, quite bluntly, it looks far more akin to allowing a favorite pooch do its bidding unrestrained on an owner’s leg! If girls allow boys the opportunity, a growing number appear highly eager to take advantage and enjoy what is fast becoming a publicly acceptable display of sexual foreplay. Freaking/grinding is modeled for our teens on TV and in young adult dance clubs.

I’ll admit that I find a flirtatious dance with my husband very scintillating. In fact, we even won a “Dirty Dancing” contest on a cruise ship at one time! We, however, were in relationship with each other, amongst adults, and not even close to emulating the sex act that some teens do on dance floors today.

What I find most disturbing of all is that the other adults at these dances kept busy talking to one another and pleaded ignorance of grinding going on though it was blatantly obvious. What does the word ‘chaperone’ mean today? Stop fights; throw out drunken kids, and that is all? Or should it include helping set healthy behavioral and sexual boundaries for teens that are unlikely to get feedback on overt sexuality on the dance floor from anywhere else! Parents are often unaware of current trends or uncomfortable addressing the subject.

For the first time in my life I began to question if I have finally become “an old lady” with an outdated morality! I gave it but a moment’s thought at the first dance before I danced my way to the grinding circle and calmly reached for a hand of each of the twelve year-old girls. I danced them off the floor and out into the hall where they gazed at me, glassy-eyed with naïve excitement over so much male attention.

I began, “Your parents may not have talked to you about how girls get love and respect from boys including at a dance, so I’m going to share my opinion with you and you take what you like and leave the rest.

You can take my words as just those of an old lady, but I know that to get attention from boys grinding with them is not about love and respect. In fact, those boys are probably not thinking about you as a person at all while you are freaking away with them. They are doing what feels good, and will continue to do so just as much as you let them. They may even begin to think you want only one thing, and that’s sex; not LOVE; and they are NOT the same thing.”

“It is your job to demand respect for your bodies by telling them to keep their distance. You have a choice about what you allow and don’t allow. It is an important choice because it will affect how you feel about yourself, whether you will like yourself or are ashamed of yourself. Remember, if you want a boy to like YOU, not just your body and to someday feel real love for you, then you have to set the limits. It’s up to you.”

They looked at me incredulous that I might be so direct with them. One of the girls, still pudgy-cheeked with baby fat replied, “I didn’t even know they were doing that.” Naiveté or manipulation on her part, it does not matter. They do have a choice; and it is in the hands of our children at a very early age these days. I only wish today’s pre-teens and teens were better prepared by their parents to anticipate the choices and trained in the tools of self-respect.

I encourage parents to watch dance on TV and videos; listen to rap lyrics. Much of today’s music reduces girls to sex objects, no more than body parts and sexual techniques. And our boys are indoctrinated with messages of insensitivity and lust. Pre-teens and teens are introduced to the meat market at an appallingly young age. They do not know the difference unless we adults teach them.

I encourage adults and especially parents to chaperone a dance on occasion; and I mean CHAPERONE! Do the job, stay alert and courageously set limits on sexually provocative dance behavior. Many preteen and teen girls would greatly appreciate help at setting sexual limits and having a chance to be treated as a person rather than a “bootie”. Many boys would feel relief from the pressure to participate in sexually provocative behaviors they are uncomfortable with.

Remember that dance can be a powerful aphrodisiac and a delightful expression of attraction. Today, it can also be a painful experience filled with uncomfortable compromise in order to fit in or to be liked, leaving boys as well as girls with a sense of unfulfilling interaction.

Share your own tales of dance floor relationships. Include your values and expectations of proper public behavior and setting limits. Seek their opinions on appropriate dance and sexual expression on the dance floor, dating, and in other areas of their lives.